It has been one week since I have left London and I have been avoiding making my last post on here. It’s so weird to think that a little over a year ago I started this blog to take you all on the journey with me, and realizing I am at the end of that journey is hard to comprehend. Someone asked me the other day, “In a few words sum up your year in London.” My response: “This year was the hardest, most challenging year full of kidney and bladder infections, broken toes, sprained elbows, concussions, family ill at home, laughter, overwhelming joy, and personal growth, and mostly a better relationship with Jesus.” Would I change any one part of my year? Absolutely not!!! Every struggle and pain and illness only made me cling tighter to God, and it made the good things that happened so much better!!! It’s funny my mom tells me how confused people at my home church must have felt this year. The first half of the year was filled with prayer requests about finding peace away from home and to overcome the horrible home-sickness. Well, that prayer was obviously answered because by the second half of the year many of you were praying for me as I thought about whether to stay for another year or not and for help coping once I came back.
The last weeks before I left England were filled with teary goodbyes and trying to cling onto every last possible memory and make new ones while there was still time. As I packed my bags and went through the many many things I somehow accumulated over the year, I realized just how much I had grown and overcome that year.
Most of you know I have had bad anxiety attacks since the age of 9, and they were the type to take over your life. I didn’t ever want to go to far from home in fear that I might have one in public and it caused any little bit of stress to turn into a nightmare. I remember filling out the applications for Time for God, the organization I went through to get to the charity I was teaching with, and thinking “Jeralee, what are you doing? It’s one thing to leave the state but the country and then overseas?? You’ll never make it!” But, fortunately I continued on filling them out feeling that if God wanted me there, anxiety was no issue. Let me tell you, over the course of the year I had 3 major attacks. Some of you might be thinking that’s a lot, but I typically had 3 A MONTH before. If any of you have ever suffered from anxiety or seen one of mine in action this next bit is for you. I am now officially off medication for my anxiety for the first time since I was 9 years old. To me, this is one of the biggest miracles I never thought I would experience. Now, anxiety is still a daily challenge for me, the difference is I’m no longer facing it alone. Let me tell you being 1000s of miles away from home and family and dealing with anxiety can be the scariest thing ever. It is absolutely impossible to deal with alone, and so for the first time I had to cling on to Jesus and let Him get me through it. There is no feeling like the arms of Jesus Christ completely surrounding and holding you, and I get to feel that on a daily basis!! I have had many people try to preach this verse to me throughout my life: “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God” ; Philippians 4:6. I am going to tell you right now if you ever meet someone with anxiety learn what this means before you preach it because telling us anxiety is something we choose is not the answer. Because I had heard this by so many people throughout my life it actually caused me to pull away from God. Not because of what the Scripture says, but because I was always told that this verse meant we are not relying on God if we are anxious and we choose to then put up a boundary between us. Brothers and sisters this is not the way it should be taught. To me, I felt people were telling me a problem I faced as a child was something I chose because I didn’t want to be close with God, and because of this I was always very cautious about wanting to rely on Him during these attacks. Maybe this makes no sense to you, but in a mind of a what was child, it did. Anyways, sorry I’m wandering off topic a bit, but I wanted you to see that it wasn’t just as easy change for me to go to completely relying on God. By nature we are stubborn and selfish and I wanted to fix myself without any help. HAHA jokes on me! The way we came together may have not been the best way, but now that I’m with Him, I’m not going anywhere!!!
Anxiety was one among many challenges I faced this last year, but I won’t recap each one since most of you were along for the ride of that already. I just really want to reiterate how much I had to depend on God this year, and through all the ups and downs, He was constantly the only one not letting me down!
Alright so I started with the good news, here goes for the bad…
Leaving my kids. Oh man that was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Just writing it right now makes me tear up. I waited as long as possible before telling them I was leaving, and once I did they didn’t really understand. I spent a good portion of a day talking to each and every one explaining why I was leaving and how much I would miss them and so on, and then without fail a bit later they one by one asked me “So next year what time will you be picking me up for my lessons?” Talk about a stab to the heart. One of them said to me “When you go to America I am going to come with you in your pocket, just make sure to cut holes for breathing!” Another one, my most challenging student I might add, said “You are my best friend in the whole wide world and you will be forever. Don’t forget about me ok?” As the time got closer and I continued to prepare them for what was happening, it began slowly sinking in, and I must say this was worse. I had two little girls that were crying so hard their mom needed to be called. I had another one, in 3rd grade, tell me that it was ok I was leaving because everyone else left too. It’s the thing I had been telling them all year. That among all the people that walked in and out of their lives I wasn’t going to do that. And that as hard as it was at home, our lessons were their safe place where no matter how naughty they were, I loved them just the same. In order to continue being a witness to them, I plan on writing them frequently throughout the year and visiting again next summer. Please add them to your prayer list, they are some of the most incredible people I have ever met. Some of them have gone through more in their 6 years of living then most people do in an entire lifetime. So pictures were taken, and letters were written and left with their new teacher to give to them on the first day of school next year. And as I continue to pray for them each everyday, I know they made as big of an impact on me as I did on them.
Finally, how has it been settling in back home? To put it bluntly it sucks! Haha ok so no its not that bad I have just experienced some major reverse culture shock. I know I know you guys think its ridiculous and a made up thing, but its really true!! It is weird being back to the same town where everything is the same and though so much happened to me in that year, not a lot happened here. The physical things such as my sleep is off, I have almost wrecked my car pulling into the wrong lane, and not hearing my favorite accent are all the obvious repercussions of coming back. But more than that, its coming home and wanting to talk 24/7 about London and the differences and what I did and so on, and people typically ask me “How was London?” give me about 2 minutes to respond, then get bored and move on. Not faulting any of you out there who may have done that and are reading this, but you just have to realize that was the most important thing that’s ever happened to me and I could sit and talk about it til I’m blue in the face, so feel free to cut me off at any point! I keep thinking in my head, “ok don’t bring up London people are sick of hearing about it blah blah blah” but then I realized if you care you’ll want to hear it, and if you don’t well you are still going to hear it =] But no, everyday I am hear I fall a step back into pattern and though I am planning on returning to London next summer, the question of if I will ever move back there is answered simply: You’ll see =]
What’s next you say? Well, I am moving up to Seattle in September to attend Seattle Pacific University where I PLAN to spend the next 3 years finishing my degree and getting a BA in elementary education. No that was not a typo, plan is in all caps because I have previously planned to do all 4 years of college at once and look where God took me, so I am open to wherever He sends me next, just waiting for the assignment! I would really like to spend sometime as a missionary again, I am not picking a destination that’s up to God, and again when that might be I don’t know. But what I can say is I have now only just wet my toes on working in mission field and I definitely plan to continue swimming in it sometime in the future, hopefully soon!
Ok ok so if you read this whole thing you seriously deserve an award for listening to all my ramblings. But hey it’s better in writing then in person isn’t it =]
Again I want to thank all of you who supported me throughout this last year. You guys were really incredible and every card I received was taped up on my wall, along with every email! I love you all dearly and look forward to meeting with you in the next few weeks!
I am officially ending my last blog post ever for the journey to London, but stay tuned there may be a new one soon! =]
No comments:
Post a Comment